Planting the Seeds of Curiosity and Self-Reflection

As recently as just before the pandemic, I was oblivious to antiracist work, or the need for it, as well as the idea of white privilege. In fact, I would’ve been resistant to the idea and would’ve reacted negatively and defensively. What changed things for me was, as a parent, sitting through an elementary school meeting in which parents and teachers were struggling to address the racial learning gap. For me, it was a literal “wake up” call.  

It wasn’t the fact that there was a huge discrepancy in the scores that got my attention. It was how the parents of color reacted to the suggestions of white parents regarding what to do about the gap. The white parents’ intentions were coming from a good place — wanting to help those in need — but I began to see how wholly inadequate, and offensive, the white parents’ approach was. 

It started with the white parents’ complete obliviousness to the existence of systemic racism. Comments and observations from white parents — essentially that the issue was about parents of color needing to spend more time with their children and engage more in their learning — were met with incredulousness from parents of color. I can see now that the issue was that there was no recognition among white parents that the children of color weren’t on the same playing field as their children. The white parents couldn’t see the cultural and institutional inequities, so they couldn’t understand that anything they did to help their children would not have the same effect if parents of color engaged in the same practices. Even the white parents’ attempts in the meeting to empathize with parents of color went awry. They simply didn’t have the life experience of walking around with darker skin in a white-dominated society. 

The (mostly white) school PTA hired a DEI consultant (who was a person of color) to address the issues exposed in this meeting about inequitable test scores. Part of the engagement to follow involved setting up parent affinity groups; one for white parents and the other for parents of color. When I was asked to join the white parents group, I was more open to doing the learning and the work than I would’ve been had I not attended the meeting. 

The first thing we did as a group was learn more about systemic racism, which included listening to and reading works by the likes of Garrett Bucks and Brené Brown, and listening to the Teaching While White podcast. This further opened my eyes to the depths of systemic racism. So when Garrett Bucks began offering his Barnraisers class, designed to engage white people in antiracist work in their communities, I signed up. Garrett did a great job of rooting antiracist work in the mold of successful community activism. It was not enough to donate or vote; we needed to get out there and be the change we seek. 

So when my employer created a diversity, equity, and inclusion council, I signed up for that as well. And when my community created a Racial and Social Equity committee, I volunteered. In all this work, the key lesson I have learned is to listen and be curious. Know that as much as I am convinced of my own beliefs, I don’t know everything, especially what is in others’ hearts. 

This notion was reinforced when the white parents and parents of color affinity groups were finally connected. Us white parents were so eager to show our black parent peers how much work we had done and how we were prepared to attack systemic racism in our school. It would be an understatement to say that we were shocked to learn that not only had the parents of color not focused on this, they weren’t all that receptive to the fact that we had. They had been laser focused on the issue of test scores and decreasing the racial gap in scores. To them, the answer was more teachers and better teachers who could work with at-risk students of color to help them learn. Another lesson in not knowing what I don’t know.... 

I’m all in on antiracist work now, but the more I learn, the harder I find it to bring other white men into the fold. I become more convinced of the need for this work daily, whether it is because of the events in the news or what I see happening in my own community. But at the same time, I only started doing this work because I became willing to learn and change, not because someone told me to, but because of what I was seeing and hearing with my own eyes and ears. 

Confronting and challenging my white male peers head on has gotten me nowhere. Most of us do not take kindly to confrontation about our fundamental views of the world, even from close friends. So I have taken another tack: asking more questions and demonstrating that I am truly curious about why they hold the views they hold. When appropriate, I offer alternative viewpoints that hypothetically might explain why someone might not agree with them, without challenging their views directly. I also seek out more viewpoints from people of color, whether it is work colleagues, neighbors, other parents at my children’s schools, or even podcasts like, “Be Antiracist” by Ibram X. Kendi, so that I can integrate these viewpoints into my own. 

Of course, I don’t have all the answers. If anyone did there wouldn’t be the need for blogs like this and other antiracism efforts. However, I have found that the best way to grow our ranks is to plant the seeds of curiosity and self-reflection by inviting dialogue with others who view the world differently. Whiteness is a particularly difficult nut to crack because, by design, it is invisible to most white people. If we are to help drive change, our goal must be to both change our own practices and engage our white friends, colleagues, and community members in conversation — striving to make the invisible visible.

As they say in many 12-step programs, “It’s about progress, not perfection.”

Maurice Werner is a lifelong resident of the Washington, DC area and is the father of twelve year-old twin girls. He is an avid baseball fan and enjoys biking, hiking, and traveling. 

White Men Respond — Additional Reading

·       White Men Respond, by TWW Staff

·       Understanding the Atmospheric Nature of White Supremacy and Patriarchy, by Nick Hiebert

·       Manning Up? An Open Letter, by Ryan Virden

·       Learning to See Clearly, by Ayres Stiles-Hall

·       Listening to Lucy: Why I’m Involved in Diversity Work, by Michael Brosnan